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Lauren and Niko discuss the birth of Jesus, between three and twenty magi, getting dunked on in the Jordan River, the crucifixion, and everything else in the book of Matthew. Plus: improbably named disciples, and John the Baptist’s head on a platter!

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Niko and Lauren feed the text of the Bible to an artificial-intelligence program and have it create its own Bible passage. With the help of Rose Eveleth (@roseveleth), Greg (@leducviolet), Mallory Ortberg, Ezekiel Kweku (@theshrillest), and J. W. Friedman, they discuss being a donkey as the mountain shall do to the sky, making gold of the purple, and all the other weird stuff the robo-Bible came up with. You can read the passage at and send us your interpretations at

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3 & 4 Maccabees

Things get a little intense as Niko and Lauren discuss seven beautiful sons, more drunken elephants, the Holocaust, and everything else in the apocryphal books of 3 and 4 Maccabees. Plus: more gore than a Tarantino movie, and no politics whatsoever!!!!(!!!)

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